I am a paranormal investigator…and I am afraid of death.
No, I am not afraid of ghosts or the dead, that would be silly for a ghost hunter, right? I will be totally honest with you…I am afraid of the actual act of dying, and what comes…or not after you step out of your body at the end of your life.
For as long as I can remember the idea of death has terrified me. Is this healthy? Probably not. One of my earliest memories as a kid was watching an old movie called “S.O.S Titanic”, and well, we all know how that film ended. Anyway, at the end of the movie I was terribly upset and I remember my mother trying to sooth my little child-grief. I was bothered because I didn’t know where all those people went after their bodies fell into the deep blue. I was afraid for them. They died but it wasn’t the how or the act of dying, it was what happens to them now? Is their light just out?
Even today I fear that exact thing. That when you die, that is all there is. Blink, you no longer exist. In my last blog I wrote about how I was relieved that my mother didn’t come forward when we investigated the cemetery where she is buried. But at the same time, I was worried about where she was. I swear I stress myself out. I remember when she passed away, many years ago, and we dumped mounds of dirt on top of her pine box, I sort of lost it and I even asked my father “What if she is still in there somewhere? What if her soul is now trapped in that body and now in that box, in the dark? How do we know she’s not in there?”.
I eventually got over it, but you can see how crazy I am about all of this. You can probably also tell that I am not a totally religious person and that might be where my death issue resides. I don’t have that spiritual connection, that belief in a higher source that takes us into his/her arms and carries us into the beyond. My father and I recently saw the movie “Heaven is For Real”. I loved it. It was very hopeful. I really want to believe that these small children (which the movie is based) truly hold some of these answers in their tiny little hands. But I am the type of person that needs to see the proof first hand before I trust in it.
I have been fascinated with the paranormal since I was a kid. I couldn’t help it; it has always been my path in life. My family was into it and I had crazy experiences as a child. And so here I am as an adult doing what I was always meant to do. For me it has always been about finding answers. I need to find answers about what happens to us when we die and I am hoping the paranormal world can shed some light.
Ugh, it’s been a lot harder than I thought.
One of my most amazing paranormal experiences has been at this old church. During the investigation we had objects moving, lots of knocks and bangs in conjunction with our questions during an EVP session. But of course I am always looking for that Class-A EVP that says “Yup, God is real, ghost are real, when you die you go to heaven…bla…bla…bla.” And boy did I try!
We have all heard of Mediums telling us that our loved ones can speak to us from beyond the grave and they wait for us when we die to greet us and show us around our new spiritual digs. We are energy and energy cannot die so we continue on after our bodies do not. We also hear about near-death-experiences, with leaving your body, seeing the white light, feeling the warmth and love on the other side. But what is that other side? I am probably not being completely rational with regards to my fear of dying. But I want…no…need that solid confirmation from the beyond of what happens to us.
What if spirits are only here trying to hold onto their light, their soul? When my time comes, I don’t want to be an empty space of nothing. I hope there is truly more to life after death. I will continue to look for my answers and in the meantime try not to drive myself crazy and give more power over to my fear of my afterlife.
“Ha! Good luck, Kimberly! Good luck!”
So have you thought about it? Do you have the same fear? Share your thoughts.